Saturday, March 06, 2004

currently feeling neutral... cry until numb already... so, why am i so depressed today... wan noe the reason why eh? my mum has a hardened wadeva in the gastric... tell me how i'm supposed to laugh and joke around... i knew about this onli yesterday halfway while i was online... the news shocked me... and i hav no mood to laugh or joke around... i came to skoo today unhappy... i already feel like crying... and i din want to leave home today at all... i dun wish to tok about this to anybody... coz i noe for sure i will start crying... and i wun stop... right now? i am alone at home rite now... my siblings are all out... my dad went with my mum to the hospital... i am home, alone, with this darn com... can i laugh???
today, i oso went to novena with felicia, meiching, ann and benjamin... i started joking around and luffing... trying to numb myself... coz i really was going to cry when felicia told me today's her mother's birthday and she wants to go to novena to get her a present... i held back the tears... and i began luffing around like a complete lunatic... why? to stop myself from crying... i dun wanna cry in front of everbody, and have ppl cuming over to console me... i hate that... dun ask me why i hate it... i juz hate it, no reason or wadsoever... i juz HATE IT WHEN PPL CUM RUNNING TO ME CONSOLING ME WHEN I AM CRYING... i wan to be left alone... dat's all the reason why... i am scared... i noe i dun tok to my parents... but i still care for them, they ARE my parents... how do u expect me to smile like normal when deep down i am worried about my mother??? all the luffing and joking at novena was fake man... so fake even i myself feel i'm acting too well... nobody dere probably tot i'm sad and depressed... but I WAS... i was sad and unhappy deep down... i am crying with fear in my heart... i am crying, but nobody listens... i feel helpless... and i hate it... i hate everything...
i am crying now... again... i cried myself to sleep last nite... cried so much i had to add eye drops to my eyes this morning to stop them from looking red... my whole family was crying last nite, nobody saed a word... so, HOW DO U EXPECT ME TO LAUGH IN SKOO TODAY????
wadeva... maybe it's my fault i din say it out... but try, one day if sumthing this bad happens to u, c u have the mood to go round telling ppl wad the hell happened