Tuesday, January 02, 2007
♥ Cookie Monster

Well, hello.

The five days are over and I think I've lost my ears, eyes and my left knee. All I hear now is "Na me guan shi ying pu sa------- Na me guan shi ying pu sa------" and the sound of the cymbals and the Chinese trumpet. It just keeps ringing in my ears.

Five days are more than enough for me to realise how wrong I was about some people, my relatives I mean. I feel like slapping myself for not realising their true character earlier.

Just came back home from the cremation anyway. Depressing but I can't seem to bring myself to cry. Feels suffocated. Like there are a million tears waiting to be cried but still nothing comes out. Because what's more tragic than my grandmother's death is that she has a monster as her son. I don't mean my father, of course. I've two other uncles, one of them passed away when I was Primary 2. I hate to call the other one uncle but yah, I've a uncle who's a monster.

If I'm to blog about all that he's done, this post is going to be as long as my grandmother's life. (She's 90 when she died.) But then again, guess I've to get this off my chest.

Two days before my grandmother passed away, that is on the 27th, I visited her with my parents and my second sister. She was so thin all that was left on the bed were bones, skin and veins. Her head was a skull with skin and sunken eyes. She couldn't move, but cried whenever someone comes to visit her. She didn't remember who I'm though, she could only remember my second sis.

Anyway, that monster was very afraid that my grandmother will pass away at his house. So he was looking all troubled and asked to send my grandmother to the hospital. But duh, no doctors can do anything about anything because she's dying because she's simply too old. My father explained this to the monster and the monster slammed the door in our faces.

2 days later, she passed away at 7.30am in the morning. I swear on everything I have the monster is dearly happy about it. You'll see why.

My whole family reached Blk 248 of Ang Mo Kio at around 9am. The monster's the second son of the family, my first uncle is dead, and my father's the youngest son. So being the eldest alive, the monster took charge of everything. But dear, he did nothing, really really nothing. Day one, it was my father who drived to the HDB main hub to apply for the use of the void deck. It was my father who drived to the police station to report the death.

What did the monster do then?

He took charge of scrimping on everything. Every single thing from the clothes to the drinks to the oranges to even the incense paper. He probably got the cheapest funeral package available. Everything was budgeted. Guess what. He even refused to publish my grandmother's death in the obituaries. Reason being it's a waste of money. Duh, he's looking forward to earning a heap from the White Gold (money given to family of the deceased when friends and relatives come to pay their respects).

So be it.

The package was so cheap that the coffin didn't even have a see-through glass. The paper house and car was so pathetically small, one look and you know it can't cost much. Day one, I was burning the incense paper by the coffin and the monster came in to tell me not to burn too much or too quickly. I ignored him, and he repeated himself a second time. I ignored him again and continued burning lots. Disrespectful? I don't care. The monster's not respecting my grandmother either.

Then the monster changed his mind about hiring the cymbal thinger. You know, there's the basic band, and then there's an optional cymbal group that make ultra loud noises while two big-headed dolls dance around. Initially he wanted that, because he thought it would cost only 1K. But then it was actually 2K, so he changed his mind and say no.

My aunties and cousins shared to hire that, because without it the funeral will be really really pathetic.

Lunch and dinner for our own people were cooked in the monster's house, by the monster's wife, instead of the cook at the cooking area because it's budgeted.

Day two, when the lights at the void deck tripped, the monster continued playing Dai Dee with his few damn friends and it was my cousin who called the Town Council. I sat there folding the incense paper and he came over and tell me not to fold too fast. I looked away, ignoring him completely. I know he's not happy with me duh, because I'm too obviously showing how much I hate him. But I can't be bothered to care about a monster.

All the while at the void deck, he's either at the Dai Dee table, gambling away, or by the cookie tin where he keeps the White Gold, counting his cookies (the money). So my sisters and I termed him the Cookie Monster. It was my father who hanged up the blankets and helped to fold the incense paper. I burned so much incense paper by the coffin that until now, everything I see seems to be burning. That's why I said I lost my eyes.

Kept wake on the second night. Lol, that was how I spent my last minutes of 2006. My two sisters stayed too, and their boyfriends came at around 1am, and stayed till 6am.

The Cookie Monster finally found the chance to get back at us.

Day three, the Cookie Monster was all high about my two sisters' boyfriends and yada yada. Talking about it at the top of his voice to those aunties of mine. (They're all San Gu Liu Pos, those whose favourite hobby/ sport/ subject is gossiping.) So be it. There's nothing to be ashamed of yea. It's not like we've pocketed the money meant to give my grandmother a grand sendoff.

But it was this incident that really fucked me up.

I was sitting with my second sister by a round table, and we were sharing a newspaper. Cookie Monster came and sat down too. We ignored him as usual. And guess what, Cookie Monster simply took my sister's handphone and looked at it, without asking. We didn't even know until he suddenly spoke up.

CM: Woahhhhhhhhhhhh. (super exaggerated tone) Who's this? (The wallpaper is my second sister's photo)
Me: What the hell?
Sis: -COUGHS- Um, my phone?
CM: Woahhhhhhhhhh. This is you arh?
Sis: Yah. (reaches hand out for phone)
CM: You meh? After cosmetic surgery?
Sis: -COUGHS- MY phone.
CM: Woah. (shouts) Hey come and look arh.

(All those SGLPs come over.)

LL (one of the SUPER SGLP cousins, she's one huge bitch): Woah. So beautiful. Should take more mah, now very fashionable right. Take more while still young.
Sis: Yah, if not wait until old -COUGHS- like -COUGHS- you then cannot take already.

(Phone switches to screensaver mode, screensaver is a picture of my sis and her boyfriend.)

CM: WOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HEY COME AND LOOK ARH. AH GIRL'S (what they call her) BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FRIENND LEH!
Me: (totally cannot stand it) AH PEH! (What I should call the Cookie Monster) My sis wants to use HER PHONE to make a call, can?
CM: (hateful stare) Nah nah, go call your boyfriend lah.

Kan ni na.

Then my sister and I continued reading the newspaper. I was pointing a picture to my sister when suddenly the newspaper slide away to the other end of the table. Cookie Monster simply took it WITHOUT ASKING. And it was not as if the paper is left there and no one's reading it. TWO people are reading the newspaper and the only reason I can think of him acting like this is that he's counted SO much cookies that he's turned blind.

So my sister got really fed up and left the table, while I continued sitting opposite him, arms crossed and staring at him while he read the paper. I was waiting for him to look up and ask me what I'm staring at so that I can reply him I'm trying to read the newspaper that I just bought. But no, he didn't look up, but took his own sweet time to read the newspaper while I waited for him to finish. On purpose, obviously, just to make me unhappy probably because I made him unhappy too much.

FUCK. No wonder my father hated him so much.

Night three, I played three people Mahjong with my brother and one of my cousins. He's the son of the Cookie Monster but I always thought he's a rather nice person. Now I know I should never forget he's not, because no matter what he's still the Cookie Monster's son. And what kind of parents will produce what kind of children.

Because the next day after that night, he was busy helping me advertise to the whole world how pro I am in Mahjong and Dai Dee and yada yada. And how amazed he is that someone my age will know how to play Mahjong so well. (PLEASE, I know a whole world of people who can play Mahjong better than him, that's all.) Just shut up. So now I know he's a San Shu Liu Gong (male version of SGLP) and now I know I should stay far away from him.

Night four was Deng Seh Hong. Fuck tiring. 7.30pm till 11pm. All about kneeling and standing and kneeling again. So I lost my knee, because it's swollen, again. Tch. Cookie Monster told the cook to prepare only 10 tables that night. Ten. You know what ten means? It means there's food for only 100 people. And my father has 150 friends coming together that night, in groups of 30. Earlier he's already told Cookie Monster that he had many friends coming that night but duh, Cookie Monster cares only about his Cookies and nothing else.

So my father was super paiseh when there weren't enough tables to get by. He has to set tables himself and all he has to serve them is porridge which they cooked in replacement of the four dishes and one soup meal. And when my father asked Cookie Monster why he did not prepare more tables since he's already told him he has many friends coming tonight, guess what Cookie Monster said?

He said he thought my father was joking.

That got my father really angry because WHO WOULD JOKE AT HIS MOTHER'S FUNERAL?! Cookie Monster was grinning like mad because of all the Cookies that he's receiving from the 150 friends. Fuck it. The cookies total up to $30 000 from all the days and I bet the whole affair cost less than $5000 for him. Take it man, take it, we all know what kind of monster you are.

And while all these are going on, son of Cookie Monster, aka the SSLG, was going around telling people how scary my father's "gang" is, because they come in groups of 30 and look as if they're coming for a gangfight. He made everything seem like some triad of whatfuck when everything's just as simple as the fact that my father has many friends, THAT'S ALL.

Besides, his Cookie father is so happy over the Cookies that he's receiving. Triad or no triad, we all feel like beating the Cookie Monster up.

Night four my brother was keeping wake and Cookie Monster dared him to go sleep in my grandmother's room. My brother went "Ok. Why, you don't dare arh?" and Cookie Monster went tongue-tied. So he cares about his house being haunted too yea? I thought he cares only about his cookies.

Day five, the Cookie Monster hired 3 buses instead of 5 buses because of the great reason that by doing so, he can save $120. I know because I heard SSLG (Yes, his own son was gossiping about him. Can you believe it.) telling another cousin the story. Tsk tsk tsk.

And Cookie Monster took a red marker and wrote his own house's unit number under the coffin. My sisters and I went WHAT THE HELL?! together and his own daughter said "Ah Pa how can like that?"

Whatever man. Tomorrow 8am we've to go the cremation grounds to collect my grandmother's bones and ashes. Then that's it. 100 days later I'll have to see the Cookie Monster again because we're going to pay our respects to my grandmother at Cookie House. Then my father said he'll ask the priest to copy a tablet and we'll pay our respects at home. No more Cookie Monster, never ever ever ever ever.

Thursday's the 7th day and supposedly, my grandmother will return to us to see us for the last time. I hope she returns to give Cookie Monster a slap or something, for vandalising on her coffin. Tch.

I thought this kind of tragic only happens in Channel 8's dramas. Where else can you get such a classic character whose character traits are so blatantly rotten?

Not even my father bothers to quarrel with Cookie Monster because he doesn't want to make a spectacle in front of my grandmother. He didn't even join in those SGLPs who only spoke about the Cookie Monster swallowing all the Cookies behind his back. We just went about doing what we should do, but even those become things we shouldn't do because we're using up too many pieces of incense paper and too many joss sticks.

Zzz. I should be sleeping. Sigh bye.

PS: Sorry Weilong that I've to ask you to go home when you're already on your way over. Haven't had the time to explain. If you've shown your face, all the SGLPs and the SSLG will jump to the conclusion that you're my boyfriend, even though you're not. I'm not afraid of them gossiping because I'm used to it. But once you reach, you'll find about 15 people in white staring at you as if you're food and they're starved for 900 days. That was what happened to my two sisters. And by the time you go home, you'll be left with a torn shirt and three limbs missing. Maybe half your head will be gone as well. So, sorry again.

And many thanks to gillian and Aaron for helping me record the shows that my mother is crazy over.