Friday, March 04, 2005

cant sleep.. time check.. 2227... calmed down abit after long time bathing.. dried

been staring at the windows media player visualization full screen for the past half an hour.. kept on repeating the songs Xiao Shi Hou and Xiang Chao Ba Bu by nqmm.. felt.. weird..

something inside tells me i shld juz go slp and tml will be a better day.. but the min i lie in bed, i start seeing images formed in the dark.. on the ceiling.. images like P6 classroom.. my seat.. P6 form teacher.. P6 chinese teacher.. P6 social studies teacher.. P6 music teacher.. P6 after-schools.. the canteen.. the GO.. the staffroom.. AMK staffroom and GO... KB staffroom and GO... noe the school inside out.. noe which tables in the staffroom belongs to which teacher.. noes even how the GO works.. noes the positions of the computers.. the school bell.. the announcement PA in the GO... all the teachers.. the prefect-mistress.. the hall.. the backstage.. the flag poles.. the bookings i gave.. for catching ppl who arent speaking english.. for ppl who were late.. for ppl who i see buaysong..

the library.. of KBPS... den old AMKPS.. den the new AMKPS... remembered.. all.. so.. well.. media rooms.. music rooms.. art rooms.. halls.. classrooms.. computer labs.. science labs.. bookshops.. gardens.. carparks.. basketball courts.. fields.. benches.. canteen aunties and uncles.. study corners.. afterschool care corners.. carporches... gates.. staircases..

feel like heart has one part torn away from it.. tht part dissolved inside.. all tht is left of it is grey ash.. felt the pain.. but it continues to beat.. and life has to go on.. at least for mine.. my life has to go on...

anything tht doesnt kills me makes me stronger..

i hope so

which means the next time if i'm in the same situation againZ.. i'm supposed to noe wad to do.. not supposed to be too sad.. becuz i shld be able to tell others tht all these is onli part of life.. i shld be the one doing the comforting.. i tink

talk abt cheering otherZ up.. why cant i do the same for myself..

when i tink of her.. i cry.. i cry becuz of her.. cry becuz i still dun understand why.....

why........

feel like running.. go for a jog or sumthing... wan get the feeling of the world rushing past me.. running away from truth.. running away from reality..

i still dun wan to believe....

frightens me to think tht someone whose mind was stronger than mine had given up.. the one who used to psycho me into believing in wad i do.. in enjoying wad i do.. had given up.. frightens me cuz i'm scared i wud too.. cant stop myself from having those tots sometimes.. can control my actions.. but cant control my thoughts.. wad i tink.. they come.. naturally..

time: 2248

how to say.. in my brain.. feels like.. my brain is stationed at one spot.. but there are many many images.. many many things rushing past it.. all the brain could see are short snips of each scene.. come and go.. come and go.. many many things.. many many images.. one after another.. cant make any connection.. cant remember any.. cant remember wad i hav juz thought abt in the last second.. becuz there are so many..

yes, tht type of feeling..

-dunno how to reply jiahao's sms.. so dun reply..-

left ann's colouring book in the locker.. i shld hav brought it home.. nvm.. shall fold cranes..

juz stared into windows media player visualization againZ.. eyes will lose focus and juz plain-stare.. tht type u get when u stare at something for too long.. lose ur focus and all u see is blur.. blur.. blur.. and more blur..

am online but appearing offline.. cuz dun wan tok to alot of ppl.. mainly those who will ask me abt her.. abt whether i noe why.. but i realli dunno... i wish i noe too....

dunno wad else to type... but will go on typing.. and typing.. and typing...

there are times.. when i wished tht something tht is happening will never end.. like the dinner at airport terminal 2.. like when i was playing the swing at pasir ris park on one of the mornings during the camp.. like when we were playing wif water at pasir ris park on sec 1 first outing... like when jay was singing qilixiang during his concert.. like when jay was playing the grand piano..

suddenly felt.. i have to go online some day.. face up wif difficulties.. i'm supposed to be strong..

-online-

tht reminds me... i'll sms jiahao and tell him i dunno wad to sms him.. face up wif difficulty.. i'm supposed to be strong..

-smsed-

why i dun feel any stronger.. =/

another 5 mins stared into visualizations.. blurry eyes.. damn headache.. sumtimes i wish i hav no brain.. juz so i wun hav tht damn headache.. ow

observing my own fingers.. wonder why they are shaped like this.. why is the laz finger always the shortest... and why does the thumb always means good.. why arent the normal positions of our fingers crossed.. or folded.. why are the spaces between the four fingers abt the same but space between the index finger and the thumb big.. why is there sound when we clap our hands.. why wun our palms hurt when we clap.. why do all the fingers hav fingernails.. wad are fingernails for.. why are there so many lines.. on our palms.. and on our fingers..

suddenly tinking of crosscountry.. dun ask me why.. juz tot of it.. wan run.. run.. run..

run away from everything.. tsk

typed such a long entry.. time check.. 2307.. hse quiet.. everyone home is asleep.. mayb i shld too.. =/

k den..