Sunday, August 06, 2006
♥ Weird?

My instinct never lies.

Hello. I'm supposed to be out today, but I overslept, till 2.30pm. And I'm supposed to be at Bugis at 3pm. So I flew the aeroplane and stayed at home instead. I'm having a bad headache, which is good enough an excuse for me to forget about AMaths for the time being.

Actually, I'm feeling weird. Because I don't know what to do right now. As in, I don't know what to do this very moment, after I've finished blogging, because nothing I do seems to fix into place. It's like the puzzle piece that seems to belong everywhere but it doesn't really fix into place anywhere. And I just keep fixing into the wrong places, get plucked out again, searching for where I really belong. Then I thought I've found the right place, settled down, and then start feeling weird and then conclude that I don't belong there too.

That sort of weird, you know?

I don't think you do. Sometimes I really think that I'm crazy mentally. I get suspicious of myself because I suspect I'm going through the same emotional pathway a mentally ill patient is going through. I talk to myself you know, alot. And I imagine so much that I get confused which part of reality is actually made up by myself.

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I really exist.

Sorry I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I think it's the headache. Or maybe it's just me feeling weird. I'm not exactly in a bad mood, or maybe because I choose to tell myself I'm not in a bad mood since today's not Friday. I can be feeling extremely overjoyed inside when there's nothing to be happy about. It always happens, and I always can't explain it.

Actually... I can explain it. But, it's just. I don't know if there's the real explanation at all. Or some explanation I made up to make myself believe "Yes, that's what's happening." so that I can feel better.

Or maybe I'm just schizo.

Or maybe this is just part of growing up. 16 seems like a awkward age isn't it. I may be legal but I'm not exactly an adult yet. I'm not really a teenager, and I'm definitely not a child. So, what?

Alright, I conclude that I'm just a confused person feeling weird.

I should have gone for the jog when Junjie asked me just now. I'll be able to think better, and maybe feel a little less weird. It's 4pm already. I must have slept too much and now my mind's so cluttered I feel there's clouds in my head. What am I talking about??

I'll go for a shower then. Cold water's going to help, I hope. I feel like going to the beach, it's been a long time since I went to the beach. Okay fine, not really long. Since badminton farewell, which was during the June holidays. But I really want to go the beach again. Siloso, anybody? There to build sandcastles, and be retards and laugh at fellow retards. And just sit on the sand and watch the sun set and pretend there're shooting stars so that we can make a wish.

Too bad, there aren't any souls to go crazy with me, not anymore anyway. Everybody's busy with their school work, preparing for the Os.

I'll have to make use of my imagination then. Imagine I'm at the beach, building sandcastles and being retard and laughing at myself, then making a wish at the imaginary shooting stars.

I just need one person who'll do stupid things with me, and whom I'll not be awkward being alone with. Who wouldn't mind wasting one day of time. Who I can pour my weirdest thoughts to, who I can be with and not be afraid of anything.

I do have a person in mind. Don't try asking, because he'll be the first person I'll tell. Don't try guessing either, you'll never get it right. Because I tried guessing it myself again and again and I kept getting it wrong. I'd never have guessed it, so neither will you. Told you I'm feeling weird.

Bye, and I'm pretty excited over tomorrow because it's my favourite day of the week.

I know this entry doesn't sound like it's typed by me. But like I said, I'm feeling weird. So, you've just seen how I'll blog when I'm feeling weird. :)