Friday, August 18, 2006
♥ When I'm sad

Hey people. I hope you're still alive.

I know it's not one week yet. It's only FRIDAY. But yah, I'm home early, again, and something at the back of my mind just keeps telling me home is not the place to study. So I'm blogging. Because I don't know what else to do online.

Was actually online awhile ago, from about 5.30pm(?). Read blogs, and chatted online. Was halfway through blogging when I just felt like closing the whole browser because I was starting to sound more and more depressed. And I don't like sounding depressed, because I'll start being depressed. And because I hate being depressed, I've decided to stop sounding depressed so that I'll not start being depressed.

I hope I'm confusing you. Because that cheers me up, really.

I've finally found the motivation to study. Or motivations to study. Yea, there're more than one motivation. So dumb huh. It seems to be there all along and yet it took me that long a time to realise. And so, if you've realised, I think I'm finally setting my heart on studying. Hope it's not too late though.

And no, I'm not studying because I want the 7 points I wrote on the orange star and not because I want to get into NJC. Alright, I want those things, but I know I won't die crying if I can't get them. You know, those are wants, not needs. What I really need now is WEIRDLY, just plain studying. Because it makes me feel like a nerd, which sort of makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

You get me? I'm studying not because I need to do well, but because I really need to be somebody. As in, be a kind of person. And NERDS seem like a fine category, so I've decided to plunge myself, deep, into that category. So that I won't feel like I don't belong anywhere. And also so that I won't feel like I belong everywhere.

Haa. Now I know I'm confusing you.

And because I've attained my goal of confusing you, I shall not attempt to explain further what I was trying to say, so as not to confuse you further since I've already confused you and I don't need to confuse you any further since I'm contented just confusing you a little. Oh, I think I just confused you more. Not my intention, but still, it makes me happier.

So people, I've cut mahjong (at least I think I had). And it's been a long time since I last touched poker cards. Okay not really. The last time I touched poker was when I last touched mahjong. But no, I've not played cards in class for a long time. Although the real reason is not because I want to study. Nevermind.

At least from now onwards, I think my life will be all studies and no play. Until O'Levels. After O's, I've got something to do. I used to be volunteer in Secondary 2 and 3. Yea, only one or two people knew, because I didn't want anybody to join me. That old folks' home was like a place where I don't have to face what I face everyday. And I used to go twice weekly for a period of time. But it all stopped when I started mixing around, when I started going out for movies almost every week, when I started placing my priorities all wrong, when I started messing with my life because I keep thinking I never will have enough time.

Sometimes I would think to myself, that all those stupid efforts aren't worth it, since those old folks never seem to appreciate what you're trying to do for them. I used to think, that they're unhappy and angry because most of them don't want to be there, and they'll flare up at you. And that you're there because you're dumb enough to believe you make a difference. And it was these thoughts that made me drift away. Once a month, then once in a blue moon, then I stopped going all together.

But so often now, I thought to myself. And I missed those times when I talked to one of the old ladies, in my broken Hokkien, and she told me about her pet grasshopper. And although I didn't quite understand half of the things she was trying to say, I always felt happy because I listened to her.

But sometimes, the scary thing is not whether you can find the will to go back and help or not. The scary thing is whether you'll be able to accept the changes you see there. For all I know, the grasshopper may be still there, but its owner might not be. And at 16, I've not have to face death up close yet. That's why, or maybe it's just because I've changed into a mean person who cares only about my own time and my own free space.

Maybe I really am a bad person, by heart.

(Now you know what I mean by a depressing entry?)

So back to the thing I say I've to do after O's. That's just a thought, anyway. I'm thinking of helping out as a volunteer somewhere else. Orphanage? Hope so, since I like children so much.

But I'll feel bad if I'm ever to drift away from it again. You know, those kind of feeling where you're afraid to get hold of something because you're afraid of having to go through the process of losing it. That sort of fear. I'm afraid of guilt, very very much. Maybe just a little less than worms. Okay fine, alot less than worms. But I'm still afraid of guilt.

Alright, nevermind. I think I've talked too much. And as usual, today's not been a good day because, why don't you guess. The answer starts with a F.

Not French fries you idiot. It's Friday.

Maybe I should just see it as a day nearer to Monday. Bye.

TAGS >>>

sarah > Thanks for loving this blog. It's a good sign to be able to love still. :)

emma > No, those humans weren't French. I didn't get to see what kind of people they were but unfortunately a blangha held my hand. That's all I rememberd of that night, other than many many many many many many many many people and many many many many many many trees and my cursings, in three different languages. So, fireworks was like shit. At least for me.

eh-ren > Hi eh-ren. I love spelling your name wrongly because it pisses you, eh-ren. Eh-ren, eh-ren, eh-ren, eh-ren. Man, why am I SO irritating, I mean, SO eh-ren.

shikin > Okay. :) And thanks for the kissables. And for laughing at my jokes even though they weren't funny. I know they weren't, don't try to console me. None of my jokes are funny. Ask Weixin if you don't believe.

END OF TAGS <<<