Wednesday, October 19, 2005

[[Shi Yi Yue De Xiao Bang]]

I'm back.

I'm alright. I'm fine.

I might not be happy, but I'm fine. There's a difference between happy and fine. I don't know exactly how to describe how I'm feeling now, but I'm fine, will be fine, and will always be fine.

As for him, I know he'll be fine. Might not be happy, but will be fine.

Because we've all changed.

Remember the entry some time back when I said I feel like I've changed after OBS?

I don't know if this change is good, or not. What I know is, the person I am now follows what I think, not what I feel. I follow my mind, not my heart. So, I think there are other, more important things for me to place my emphasis on. Things like, studies, family, friends or even badminton. Don't give me that crap about juggling. The thing is, I don't wish to spend anymore time or energy on something which I've no confidence in the future about. I've seen 5 breakups in 5 months, need I say more? When I know that something will come to an end somehow, I'll end it straight.

Therefore, Sokmui may be right in saying both parties will be sad. But what I know is, both parties will be fine. Fine enough to go on living life. I don't wish to wait till the day both of us will be happy to be left alone. Because one day before this day, both of us will have had only unpleasant memories to take along with us. And I'll rather it be like this, where only pleasant memories are intact, how long it should stay, I don't really care.

Can you understand what I'm saying?

It's nothing about whether we're happy or not. And it's nothing about whether we'll be happy in the future or not. It's nothing about whether the feelings are still there and how long it'll be there or anything. It's about now, the present. One morning I woke up and I asked myself what I did to my own life in the past two years. I woke up and I realised, that happiness is not all that a person's life is about. And letting go now is not giving up. How can I possibly give up on anything which I did not have any expectations in in the first place?

And how can I possibly expect any future in something which I have no expectations in?

As bluntly as I put it, the future equates to nothing. This is the future. Yes, what is happening now is the future. This will happen someday, why not now? Why not now when the happy memories are still intact and nothing has come in to spoil it? As much as my heart chooses to believe every story has a beautiful ending, my mind tells me it isn't so. Whatever I feel, now has to go through my mind, processed by my mind, analysed by my mind, accepted or rejected by my mind. It has almost come to the point where what I feel is decided by my mind. I'm controlled by my mind.

This mind tells me that I'm using time on something that will come to an end. And this mind tells me that I've a choice, to end it in the future or to end it now. And I chose the latter. Because firstly, I have no confidence/expectations of the future. Secondly, I believe this is a better choice out of the two. Thirdly, I know there isn't any third alternative.

Don't think this is an excuse I made up because of some other hidden reasons. I tried questioning that myself too. And I'm serious, I've thought through this for a very long time. And there really isn't any hidden reasons whatsoever.

As for him, I know he'll be fine because he has his own circle of friends now, perhaps even more than me. It's different from the past already. He made some friends whom he might have never talked to if not because of me. And friends are there to cheer you on. There, like they should be. Happy, or not happy, I know that's only temporary. No one can be depressed for long. And one's survival does not depend on any others except your life depended on the doctor when you were born.

For now, my priorities are there for me to set me heart and soul on. For now, my focus is O'Levels Chinese. 13 days later, it'll be all about training. For the zonal top 4 next year. It may be too far-fetched to think about, considering all the competition, it may be difficult to even clinch a 5th. But Joan keeps prep-talking me into believing in ourselves (and all that shit... -.-) and not to let our seniors down. So my mind tells me I've to believe.

I love the weather these few days, especially around this time. I always liked rain (other than when I'm intending to go to Jurong Swimming Complex).

When you look up into a pouring sky, did you realise this is the only time you can look into any part of the sky without your eyes blinded by the sun?

I did. And I always liked the feeling of watching all the droplets falling down, down, down. It's like travelling through space and you pass by all the tiny stars around you. You know the famous screensaver called Starfield? (It's in your computer, check it out if you don't know which one I'm talking about.) Except that in the rain it's the water droplets that are moving, not you. But it doesn't really matter, 'cause you get the exact same effect.

And while rain makes some people depressed, rain really cheers me up.

Because it's cold, not hot. Because I get wet, I become childish, I become crazy. And because it might get me sick and I can get an MC and I can skip school. Okay, that's beside the point...

Plus, I'm always more motivated when it's raining. Motivated to sleep... Nono, other than that, I'm motivated to do other things. Things like writing a compo, or making a new layout, or packing my things, exercise etc.

Moreover, OBS taught me instead of crying in the rain because I don't have an umbrella, I should grab my shampoo and shampoo my hair. (Suddenly recalls the Herbal Shampoo advertisement....... -.-)

Our lives are all about choices. (OBS lecture #1...) Perhaps there are some things which we have absolutely no control over. These things, when they are unpleasant, makes us feel that life is so unfair. We can't choose to have them or not, but we can choose over all the other aspects of life. We can choose how we want the better things of life to overlook the less positive things of life.

...

Why do I feel like today's Inspiring Monday. Nono, today's 19th October 2005, Wednesday.

To all those out there with problems that seem to take forever to solve, or heartbreaks that seem never to heal, or dreams that seem too big to fufill, or a character that you yourself can't comprehend, or extreme sadness that you can't overcome, or a burden that only you can shoulder, all I can say is

Jia you. That day (however your that day may be like) may come if you persist. That day will never come if you don't.

Okay. That marks the end of today's post. I'm sorry if I mislead you into thinking I'm depressed. I'm not, at least not now. I might not know how to describe what I'm feeling, but I know what I'm feeling, and I'm not feeling depressed. Maybe a little, but very very little, which makes it insignificant. That's why I said it right from the start I'm alright, I'm okay. And I'm restating it here again.

I'm alright. I'm okay.

Bye. And have a nice day. If you're reading this at night, then well, have a nice day tomorrow.

Qing yuan liang wo de zhi fu...]] ---Yi Fu Zhi Ming, Jay Chou