Friday, October 21, 2005

The silence reeked. And it's nothing like what you think. Yes, you. Stop assuming.

I'm hooked onto some sadistic book that Sokmui reads entitled Heartbreaker by Julie Garwood. Okay fine, I like it because it's sadistic, in a way. And I strongly believe it's Sokmui who influenced me, not the other way round. And Sokmui, stop denying that you're more sadistic than me.

...

But then what I'm going to say next is going to contradict what I've just said.

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My new ambition, next to astronaut (stop laughing...), is to be an intellect killer.

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Don't report to Mr Ang or Mrs Lee or whoever to send me for counselling just yet. Most of the times my ambitions are positions that interest me, I may not even be up to it. And reading the book made me feel so... warped. Anyone in the right mind would idolise the good guys in a book, right? But I find myself more attracted to the unknown (at this time I'm still halfway through the book...) killer instead. And it's his calm and composed way of going about performing what he planned that amazed me. Even though he's mad (the story termed him madman), I really admire the way he commits the crimes.

And the thing is, halfway through the book as I am, I've quite an idea who the killer might be, just plain guessing, but some mentions here and there in the story that justifies. Well, I don't know.

It just sounds so fun to be planning some heinous acts and carry them out one by one, greeted by reactions I had expected, and continue, on and on, until I achieve my aim. It's the satisfaction of it all.

... Why do I have a feeling Sokmui is nodding to what I'm saying here...?

Anyway, I feel like playing badminton again.

I can't seem to keep myself awake these days. I can even fall asleep in a police station, not until Fiona had to scream IT'S EIGHT O'CLOCK ONLY LEH!!! in my ears. Okay she didn't scream, did she? Perhaps I was dreaming.

And I felt so damn retard for smsing Fiona "Don't be too sad that you lost your phone... =)" last night. I felt doubly retard when I took 15 minutes or more to realise she can't see the message since her phone is lost, obviously.

I'm still thinking about the intellect killer thingy.

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Sorry if you get nightmares about Meigui chasing after you with a chainsaw tonight. I'm so sorry to leave you with broken childhood memories. Your angelic image (if any) of me must have shattered tonight. Okay fine, I know, none of you ever thought I would be the pink angel with pink horns, three halos and stars dropping out from the ears. I KNOW. So there weren't any angelic image to start with. Ah, you just broke my fragile heart. Nah, I'm joking. My heart is made of plastic. You can't break it, but you can try melting it under extreme heat. Ey, don't start burning me the next time you see me.

Sandy has gone for a holiday in Paraguay.

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She wanted Uruguay at first okay, I took a long time to persuade her into thinking that place is unsuitable for tourism. Too dangerous, larh. And she changed her mind to Paraguay. I hope she gets abducted or something.

I'm tired. Ey, no. I'm sleepy. No, I'm tired and sleepy.

You know something? The more everyone choose not to talk about anything in front of me, the weirder it gets, because it's so obvious everyone has talked about it beforehand, behind my back that is. I know, not that I mind, but it's weird because I can feel it very distinctively. I expected perhaps a few ignorant questions beforehand, so that I could break the news. But there were none, total silence. I only broke the news to one person, answered two people's questions in relation to that, typed one unnamed blog entry and nothing more. That entry was not meant to inform or anything, it was more of an expression from my side. Besides, not everyone I know reads my blog. But news sure get around fast no? So fast that I am curious about the extent and content of your discussions. Yes, you. I'm talking about you. No, corrections. I'm talking about all of you.

Besides, I'm not that dumb to think it isn't weird when the change came suddenly, nor am I retard enough to think that no one will notice it. On the other hand, I'm not that dense not to expect discussions like these behind me. Perhaps I underestimated it. I didn't know it should matter everyone to the extent of worrying if I'm sitting close to 3/1 in the hall. And it seemed as though everyone share a secret which I don't know and I know, if you get what I mean.

Know what, Sokmui? It's everyone that is deterring me from being like what you wanted me to be in McDonalds. To send smses, or to talk. How can I, when perhaps even a glance around the hall could be mistaken for otherwise?

Do you get what I mean?

And I know, that some of you have second thoughts about me being able to take it afterall. Might be true, might not be true. But I had always wanted everyone to have the thinking that I'm alright, just like in the past, the ability to still laugh and joke and be lame. And whether I'm really alright inside or not doesn't really matter, does it? Afterall, it's the exterior that you're facing, that you're meeting and that you should take into consideration. What's all the two-sided thing about? So what if a person is two-sided? So long as you and all the others see only one side of it, theoritically this person is still one-sided no?

Okay fine. Stop the chimology.

Just to say, I'm seeing two sides, perhaps even three, although everyone is showing me one. Blame my mind if you must. These thoughts just come, I didn't even have to think. Ey, what am I saying, how can I have thoughts when I've not attempted to think?

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Anyway, I'm going bbqing at Pasir Ris tomorrow. Sudden decision by Sokmui and I. No particular reasons, either we are bored or we are bored.

Got to go. Have to make a phone call. Bye and have a nice day tomorrow, since I realise, or should I say can tell, that most of you read my blog in the night. Hey, don't ask me how do I know. I just do, something tells me my blog traffic goes up once I go offline. Contrary to common belief, I blog each time I come online. True in a sense, because there are times when I Appear Offline, and those times I do not blog. So in a way, I blog each time I come Online, as in literally, MSN Online. But then again, I'm still online even though my status is Appear Offline, in a way, online as in connected to internet. Appear Offline, ey, such deep meaning in it. Ha, I'm confusing myself again.

Okay I know I'm confusing you too. I find great joy in that. Lol.

Till I come Online again.